another day down...

Yesterday went much better than expected as even though I did not rock the run I was able to run the entire 5K.  Several years ago I ran the same race without being in shape and I could not run a mile without stopping so yeah me for yesterday!  My other and I ate out and although I would not call it a healthy meal I felt I did not completely over indulge either in food or alcohol so another yeah me.   I had worked on my Italian lessons in the morning and the afternoon (Seriously if you want to learn a language Livemocha is incredible) and I felt like a made a tad bit of progress in comprehension and ability to make my tongue say all those crazy syllables.  My other and I worked on the puzzle in the night and it just overall felt like a pretty good day.  It was a small step towards being more what I want the days to be like.

I have started reading this book The End of Overeating and only a couple of chapters in and it is 1) much different than I expected 2) really interesting reading.  It is talking about how sugar, fat and salt make us want from a biological pleasure perspective MORE sugar, fat and salt and how the foods of today completely capitalize on the physiological reaction for most of us with the way they make the foods.  I havent finished yet but so far ..really interesting!

I went to a yoga class today despite being a bit nervous.  I made myself late because I became worried about the shoes I am going to wear and how bad my hair looked - ridiculous I know but sometimes neurosis is just an abusive thing in my head.  I get a bit nervous doing anything out of my comfort zone.  I started worrying about work (remember the one I am leaving) and about not being good enough, my shirt being too tight and bam I am out of the house 10 minutes later than I wanted to be.   I also start to wonder if I should not go because I am running late.  I laughed at myself a little because I was all stressed out about going to a yoga class.

I get there right on time, which is really about 10 minutes late because I wanted to get there early enough to deal with the registration bits.  

Turns out I was the only one who showed for the class so it was just me and the instructor.  She was nice and we had a pretty good class but wow nothing like yoga to expose your body for the shape it is actually in.  The thing about running is that it is just one step in front of the other and I can muscle through that even though it hurts.  However holding myself up with one leg outstretching the other leg and arm...there is no where to hide.  It felt great though afterwards and I can really feel the stretches.  I never did get to the cleansing my mind during the very end because if felt a bit awkward with only me there.

The good news is this afternoon I got a ton done and I am feeling pretty relaxed.  I was good not to waste my time and just wallow all afternoon.  I was going to try to go to one early in the morning tomorrow but I know I will bail because its cold and snowy and I would really need to leave the house at 6am.  Yikes!!   Tomorrow is a tough day.  10am coffee with an ex-employee turned mother to talk to.  Lunch with co-worker that I am actually sad to say goodbye too and really respect.  3pm meeting to say good bye to my team.  Maybe some after hours thing for the company to say goodbye.  It will be a hard day as I hate good-byes and I feel bad leaving them and we are all ready at this point to just move on.   Arrivederci!

Morning person by biology

Some how, some way, I have become an early riser, well let me be clear by early I mean 6am not 4 am.  I do mean that the minute I wake up I am wide awake and there is no going back to sleep for me.  You think I would rejoice at this news because it means that it is not hard for me to get up and get going.  It would allow me extra time to write in my blog and exercise and generally be more productive.  Unfortunately I have not embraced my new found wakened state and lay there longing for the ability to stay warm under the covers - envy my sig other and my dog who are both sleeping soundly.  The side effects are also that at night come 9 or 10 pm I am getting wiped out and those who slept in until 8 or 9 still feel great.  Boo!

I am starting to realized that I need to figure out a way to embrace this new me but I cannot help but wonder why it started happening.  I know older people (hey now I am not that old) are habitual earlier risers and early bird dinner is at 5pm because they are exhausted.  I had thought this was more a generational thing that these people had always been morning risers and when you don't have much to do at night you resort to going to bed earlier.  I swear what is happening to me is biological as my eyes pop open and even if I am still tired (which generally I am), the brain is chugging full steam ahead.    If it is biological - does it happen to everyone?  Am I eventually going to be a 4 am riser?  One of my favorite excuses for not exercising in the morning is that I am too tired and cannot get up.  Is my body plotting to take that excuse from me?  I know it would be a positive step for me ...but dang it I want to be deep asleep, warm and hitting the snooze button over and over begging for just another few minutes of shut eye.

If I wake up with ease at 6am, could 5am for exercise be so difficult?  If I actually got out of bed at 6, would that be enough time to get a run done in the morning?  God I hate that these questions are even a possibility.

Its early morning sunday the house is dark and everyone is asleep but me and the cats who are creating a ruckus at this very moment.  The sun is coming up and slowly the day is coming to light and I am sitting in the glow of my laptop trying to keep my promise to keep writing. Yesterday was a success as we went to the dog park and I managed to finagle the right phone upgrades - god I had forgotten how long all that takes.  We tried to see the movie but due to fire alarms we were unable.  We manage to scarf down some gorgeous oysters, crab legs and steak tartar instead.  I went to bed comparably sober which was a nice change but my stomach is still a weird acid pit that wants out of my body.  Drinking water now to see if I can settle it out.

I slept pretty well really except all the crazy work dreams and another weird dream where we realized that we were really just a colony on a large giant and not a planet after all - not sure what that was about.  The work dream was repetitive in I was trying to get a job and we were negotiating of 2K and while walking around the school there was a catholic priest giving prayer over lunch and outside there was a congregation of amish people and people from my current work were either joining this new company or talking to me about it - very strange.

We have our jingle bell run today and to say I am terrified is probably not over stating it.   I have gained a gazillion pounds and have not taken a step towards exercise in FOREVER.  I can either use this as the catalyst to start back up again or just suffer and forget.  You think it would be obvious which to do but it is winter and cold and I am struggling to find the motivation to exercise.  I have a friend that is probably right that I should pull back on my goals a bit so they do not feel like such trudgery (I know this is not an official word but it should be).  I have a google calendar called Renee's Training and really I have probably created it a dozen times over the last few years.  Carefully staking out each day's activity and the exercise plan that will get me....there...  but that is far as I get the plan to exercise rather than exercising.  I have the best intentions, the right ability to set goals and completely no follow through.  I have written about it a ton but the motivation is just not there.

I have been good that I told myself I would not sign up for big races, or buy new clothes or buy new cool clothes until I have been running and am on my plan...but none of that has motivated.  Although now my clothes are so tight I can barely wear them something has to happen ...I CANNOT buy fat clothes. I want to though because I want to walk into the first day of my new job feeling confident not like the walrus I feel like in my tight pants that barely button at the top.  My immediate fat points are my gut, thighs and butt (typical for a woman) which just destroy my pants.  When I was on the cleanse and lost the 6-8 pounds (must have been alcohol and sugar related - maybe carbs) I saw the thighs and gut immediately shrink down.  So what do I do - buy a few fat pants and try to remotivate or shove myself into my current pants and use the humiliation to motivate?   Jury is still out.

As much as it is the lack of exercise though - everything leads back to diet and food choices.  My brain knows this but when my other asks me would I like chicken and veggies, not only do I say no but part of me rebels and wants the carbs and "feel good" food more than I did before I heard the healthy option laid down.  I know I am not alone with this but damn it is a frustrating cycle.

Today's goals.  Run and try to have a good time rather than an emotional beating.  Go have lunch but do not overdo it on having beers and try to make some "decent" food choices.  This afternoon I have a few things of interest....work on the puzzle, make dinner for the boys (if they will be around) and maybe take the dog to the beach in the afternoon.  Tomorrow morning I have a Hot Yoga class in sight - which scares me a little because hot yoga destroys me but in a good way.

Alright I am going to go fire up my kick ass language class from Livemocha and try not to butcher the Italian language and after that I might sneak back into bed.   A domani!

I know I have been missing in action for awhile.  It has been gnawing on me that I have not been writing but I was not quite ready to face myself so I have been hiding from my blog.  A ton of things have happened and they are hard to all recount but the good news is that I have found myself a new job.  For my mental health, this was really needed because the negativity from work was impacting my ability to laugh and smile at home.  The irony is that the leaving part is incredibly hard on me as a person and I wonder the value of giving any real notice unless you have a specific task to do.  Being at work right now is difficult because I have become - as I should be - completely irrelevant. You add that with the awkwardness of being the one who is leaving and my own feelings of loyalty and guilt - these last few days have been really difficult.  Good news is that it almost over and I have a plan to mitigate the impact for next week so really I am calling it as of yesterday.

I have been "blaming" work for the stress and my complete over indulgence and under performing.  I think some of it is true because winding down from work I am really sort of shocked at how exhausted I feel.  I have 9 days more or less off and it is going to be my goal to feel better and rested at the end of this time.  It is going to require a little less alcohol and perhaps a work out or two rather than the type of days that is just feasting and indulgence.  I need a plan otherwise the days will just swirl and rush by and I will not really remember doing anything other that being on my computer or watching TV.  I will have read the internet if I do not have some sort of strategy.

Things I have though of is Dog Walking, Cooking, Reading (lame because I always do that), swimming, working out/running and that is really it - of coarse because those are always my standard answers.  Maybe it is a "one day at a time" type thing.  Today my goal is to go to the dog park, get a new phone and go see Tron and that does not seem very ambitious. Tomorrow the only thing on my list is a 5K run that I am dreading because I am so gross right now.  I have a whole list of things I would like to learn and do but when it comes to thinking about doing them and bringing the into the day I fail miserably.  I found this list of semi-productive things to do and it reminded me that I had put together a list and started to work on it slowly.

Here is my list:

• The stars/sky - I found a monthly meeting where there is a lecture and stargazing at Harvard.
• Learn a language - I am looking at classes rather than self-learning but trying to find ones that are not crazy money.  
• Rock Climbing - I dread this because of the shape I am in but it might be a fun thing to do as a regular night time or weekend activity.
• Guitar - Picking that back up and trying to play.
• Urban explorations - finding abandoned building to take pictures of even though I am not the photographer in the house.
• Geocaching just to try and see what it is like.
• Museums/Art - there are a ton of museums and art galleries to go and look at.  
• Yoga - I used to be really into Yoga and meditation and it was good for my mind and soul.  I should think about this more.
• Volleyball/Indoor soccer/some pick up type games that do not intimidate the hell out of me.

I will work today and tomorrow to do things with purpose and try to plan for a 9 days that brings me back around and releases my stress and prepares me for my new adventure!  If I don't write tomorrow....I will have already lost an opportunity.