Upon honest reflection, I expected to get the good feeling of being a volunteer and helping someone. I expected the girl I was assigned to be thrilled about meeting me and just thinking I was the best thing since sliced bread. The reasons and expectations were a whole lot about what I would get out of it and not much about what my lil sis would experience or get out of it. It made me wonder if the only reason we do things that are seemingly compassionate and altruistic is to prop up our own karma points. Was this really all about me? What could I really offer this girl? The training Big Sister put me through did not really help answer these questions nor did it really prepare me for what it was going to mean to engage with someone who was young and struggling with their life.
When I met my little sister at the first meeting with our match counselor, her grandmother and her and I
the tension and awkwardness was thick in the air. Her mother was sick upstairs and did not come down to meet me. My little was bouncing off the walls; talkative, and only later did I realize she probably had no idea what was really going on. She is 9, turning 10 this weekend, and comes from a very fragmented family. Our first meeting alone was probably the only thing more awkward than the first meeting. We walked to have ice cream - this adult and 9 year old that did not know each other at all, trying to make conversation and find some connection where there was none to be found. We found a fake 1M dollar bill on the ground and I asked her what she would do if it was real. She said she would take her dad, dad's girlfriend and daughter and her Nana to Hawaii to live and buy a big house where everyone could be together. She had not included her mom, step-dad or stepbrother and stepsister. She had a generous heart and a complicated life.
The second meeting went better. We went to the Natural History Museum and I won her over a little letting her pick songs on the car stereo with Spotify and take pictures with my phone. Thank god for technology. However throughout the whole visit she asked if her Nana could join us at different times during the visit. I looked over at her and was able to see her without the expectations of what I would get from this relationship and saw this girl who was confused, nervous, and very uncertain about me. I realized then that me just showing up did not win me any great prize in her eyes. She had been let down before by the likes of me; and worse she had no idea who I was or even why we were spending time together. I sent the pictures to her Nana during the week so they could look at them together. I wanted to make sure that my Little felt her family was involved in what she was doing and she could share it. I won a few points from my Little because our next visit she talked about how they looked at them together. Our next visit we went to the Children's Museum. We wandered around, watched a program, and spent about 2 hours and she seemed to genuinely have a good time. She was going to see her dad after our visit and said it was going to be a really great day. It made me feel good, but you could still sense in the air the awkwardness between us.
Our most recent visit was dinner for her birthday at the Rainforest Cafe. I let her pick from her favorite
Bertucci's, Cheesecake Factory and Rainforest Cafe. I was nervous how it would go because our conversations had been stilted, what do an adult and a 9 year old talk about over dinner? She was thrilled about being there. I let her wander around and check everything out and let her order pretty much everything she wanted...until the end. There is this Birthday Volcano at the Rainforest Cafe that is HUGE and $15. She had cheese sticks and a wrap and had finished neither but what seriously seduced by the volcano and it became an issue. I said she could get something but not that because it was just too big and she would not eat it all, even though she assured me she would. A magic guy came over and did some tricks that made her very excited and then they came out with her small ice cream sundae and sang happy birthday to here. I took a video with my phone and you could see her face gleaming. It was risky because I did not know if the $15 Volcano the make or break of our relationship as we had just started to warm up, but I was not there to buy her friendship.
I shared the video with her family and her Nana said that my Lil was genuinely happy when she came home that night. I am not foolish enough to pat myself on the back and think I am all done and have won the game. However it did make me realize why I was there. This little girl has had a hard time and not many people in her corner and that is why I am spending time with her. I focus on her when no one else does. I provide some fun, some space, an experience for her to make sense of on her own terms. It made me realize the reason I am doing this is because I can provide that relationship. I can be stand strong when she shuts down or doesn't talk to me. This is not about me, this is about her. I cannot expect anything in return but just hope that she gains something. It is not going to be easy or rewarding at times but by sharing my heart and a safe place to be maybe ...just maybe...she will grow a little more confidence in herself and in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment