being here

My heart is shaky and my mind is cruel.  I am lost within my own construct of confusion, pain and disappointment.  Losing steam or interest or care for where I go next.  Lost not wanting to be found.  This is all in my mind.  None of it real.  and yet I feel weighed down and caught in this web and despair.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Another moment passes.  Breathe Breathe. Right now notice the cool breeze from the window.  The sun shining in my eye.  The cat perched watching me watch him.  This is the reality.  Still here.   Breathe.  Breathe.  Tears stuck inside me.  Anger lost its voice and is swallowed whole into the hollowness.  Breathe.  I can feel my heel pressed against the table, my back sunk into the couch.  I hear the cars drive by the house.  I do not feel here.  I am here but lost to the now.  Breathe damn it Breathe. Feel the warmth of the sunbeam on my leg.  Stop screaming.  My thoughts are empty and yet pregnant with guilt and frustration.  breathe.  please just breathe.  for a moment or two I am here.  for a moment or two I see what I do to myself.  the rest of the time I am too busy trying to survive.  breathe.  breathe.