being here

My heart is shaky and my mind is cruel.  I am lost within my own construct of confusion, pain and disappointment.  Losing steam or interest or care for where I go next.  Lost not wanting to be found.  This is all in my mind.  None of it real.  and yet I feel weighed down and caught in this web and despair.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Another moment passes.  Breathe Breathe. Right now notice the cool breeze from the window.  The sun shining in my eye.  The cat perched watching me watch him.  This is the reality.  Still here.   Breathe.  Breathe.  Tears stuck inside me.  Anger lost its voice and is swallowed whole into the hollowness.  Breathe.  I can feel my heel pressed against the table, my back sunk into the couch.  I hear the cars drive by the house.  I do not feel here.  I am here but lost to the now.  Breathe damn it Breathe. Feel the warmth of the sunbeam on my leg.  Stop screaming.  My thoughts are empty and yet pregnant with guilt and frustration.  breathe.  please just breathe.  for a moment or two I am here.  for a moment or two I see what I do to myself.  the rest of the time I am too busy trying to survive.  breathe.  breathe.

Another proclamation of motivation

January 2, 2012.  It feels like the future as I remember Y2K like it was yesterday and was 12 years ago.  My sons are both adults (well sort of) and my life has really transformed from where I was and where I am now.  Time is a really strange thing - some days seems to crawl by and yet years are flying.   I am trying to come into this year fully aware and not making excuses.

I have stopped drinking.  I do not think I am an alcoholic in the true sense of the word, but I do use alcohol to avoid the things I really need and want to do.  Want is a strong word as I don't really want to exercise and eat right.  I really want to eat whatever the hell I want and never lift my ass of the couch, but I don't want to have a muffin top and thigh burn.  Funny I have to do something I dont want to do either way and I would rather not be disgusted with myself.   Alcohol lets me eat more and exercise less and drown the guilt away of both.  So in a sense I am an alcoholic because I am using it against myself.   I wish I could drink once in a while but it is like the exercise thing - the day I miss one day - is the day I never start up again.  There is something crazy about me that will just hold on to the failure and keep the streak going rather than rise up and start again.

If you have known me or read my blog or anything I have written in the last 10 years - these are not really new thoughts.  The desire to break out of bad patterns has been there since - well since I able to reflect on myself.  I have see-saw'd on weight and motivation my whole life  Sometimes I am successful and then I just erode at my success until I am so far gone I have to punch myself in the face to get back somewhere in the middle.  This is the year of the punch in the face.  I am working on my Shambhala Warrior Path program, applied to the IDP Meditation Facilitator training, looking at getting started on a master's degree in counseling, volunteering more - maybe a big sister or another program.  This is the year without a doubt that I will reclaim my true focus and goals.  2011 was disappointing.  I got no where fast.  I don't want to walk into another year feeling this way.  Now I just have to keep the energy and motivation up.