There are moments that I wish I could remember everything I thought it my head could pour on to these pages.  It is weird how easy it is to think and feel inside my head but once faced with a blank page it all drips away and I am left feel lost in what I wanted to write.   The words in written form are forgein to my thought process and I cannot seem to capture and hold them.  I feel like there are pages and pages of thoughts, ideas, stories, dilemmas and more all stuck inside me that I cannot make peace with turning them from the thought to the written word.

I struggle to try to piece it together and remember I wanted to write about there are fragments of how removed I feel and once again feel broken and I am not sure how to reset myself.  I remember suddenly thinking about the book Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus book and how ridiculous it is that we needed a book to say men and women think different.  I am glad they made tons of money but did it really revolutionize our lives.  I find it shocking that we really needed a book to explain that or that it was believed that all woman and men think the same and if they do - does it really help?  Knowing Italian is a different language does not always mean I understand what the hell they are saying.  I remember something about someone going in a cave - I will admit I just read the wikipedia article because all I could remember is the cave.  I think I relate to that concept the best and I do not really understand "the wave" at all.

I think it is the labour of writing that gets into my way.  The words and sentence structure and clarity really feel like barriers to the point the ability to get it out.  I know if I can not make it clear in the written word the idea in my head is mutated and different than where it was living in my head.  Maybe it is the reality of the words from the voice to the page that make me realize that it does not make sense and is just my own self mental masturbation.   I do wish sometimes I could get it out but the more I think about it the harder it is.  They say that you should write first thing in the morning, maybe the filter and wall is weaker and scalable when your still half asleep.

A little music for the evening....while I go do my prescribed Ab Ripper

Day 2 is half way over and honestly I am not feeling too bad as I am not starving or craving anything.  I feel like something has clicked (although it could always unclick) to commit to doing this because it doesn't seem that hard.  I know - wait for the weekend - when I will be bored and craving EVERYTHING.   However right now I had an apple, soup and black bean salad for lunch and it feels ok.  I did notice that from myfitnesspal that I have already consumed my sugar (and over) for the day.  The Black Bean salad I did not notice had sugar added - my bad and the apple has its own natural sugar.  It is a real eye opener for how much sugar is out there and that they add it to everything.

It is a gorgeous day today and I am thinking of leaving early so I can pick up birthday cake for my kid and make him a good dinner and then perhaps - thinking crazy going for a run.  The hard part is the minute I get home I get so tired. and just thinking about running took a hit on my energy level right now.  I should try to get up in the morning instead as it is much more effective and then it is done for the day.  I had good success when I did that before, but I am having a hard time visualizing how I ever did it.  It is dark and cold and boo!!!  What about a compromise - if I don't run tonight I should at a minimum do Ab Ripper X ...god knows my glutes need it.

I guess I do feel an impact because my head is kind of struggling to stay in the game.  Even for my own thoughts I am just all over the place.  Can the cleanse cause ADD or reverse ADD because I am slowed down and bored?  I just can't seem to get into my work but it is more than that as everything feels a little off center and out of reach.  That may not actually be an issue with the cleanse as it is the first week back in the office after several weeks being out and it is sort of a let down to be back slogging through the old crap.  SUGAR.  I swear mentally that was just yelled in my brain.  Ok it may be the cleanse :)

Day 1 and it already sucks.  I am starving and crashing both.  I want something ..anything sweet.  I have heard it takes 48 hours to get sugar craving out of your system.  This maybe be the longest hours ever.  I am thinking of caramels or jelly beans or a pop tart.  My vegan gluten free broccoli soup was actually good and the nuts are good but I am done with them.  I might have to make another soup to survive the afternoon.  I should have had breakfast but my stomach was a mess from a terrible nights sleep.   The whole eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it was really nice from one perspective but as I sit here and feel my gut fat folded over - it was not worth that much.

I am struggling with the gluten free thing because I cannot find a really good reason for it if you do not have wheat allergies.  I asked my "cleanse coach" and she recommended I listen to the calls that I missed - which means to me it is not a straight forward answer - otherwise why would you not just write it as a response instead of sending me to a recording.  I googled it and found some people actually think it is unhealthy.  Although really for a few weeks - even if it is "unhealthy" it will not be more unhealthy than I am been eating on my own accord.

In case you missed the things that I am cutting out for 30 days (I already started 2 week negotiations in my head)  Alcohol (yeah read that again).  Sugar.  Caffeine.  Any product from something that has a face.  (Vegan - no cheese (did I write that?)  and Gluten free foods.   I went shopping yesterday for "food" and I felt like I had never been shopping before.  I was shocked at how many things that should be no brainers for Gluten Free or Vegan were not - Soup with eggs for example.  It was also just unfathomable how people who are allergic to Gluten survive.  There is not JACK out there for these poor people.  I because ecstatic when I found the gluten free freezer but quickly released that Vegan added a whole other layer of complexity.  I found fake mac and cheese - not real noodles - not real cheese - just some sort of bastardization of real thing.  What is Tempeh by the way?  The reviews for it are not by a marketing team  "marinate it so you can't taste it" type food.  Yum - sign me up!

I decided to go back to using My Fitness Pal to track my calories and food to see what I eat.  I am also trying this crazy thing on line called Health Month, which is ironically something I created sort of with my friends but never maintain.  The last time I did this with any conviction (the real key) I lost almost 45 pounds.  I only need to lose probably 20 pounds this time so it is totally doable and this cleanse is a step in the right direction.  This week is the week of my body hating everything about myself and next week hopefully is the week I feel better.  I have thrown down that I will do some exercise this week even if it is just Ab Ripper X.  Given my track record, lets see how well I do.  I hate the people on my cleanse list that are all "this was easy" or "doing really well".  Where are the people like me - DAY 1 SUCKS ASS!  (and I am only 8 hours into it).

My stomach is somewhere between a rollar coaster and an acid pit.  My body temperature keeps fluctuating and I get hot and then freezing and back again and my mouth feels so dry there is not enough water anywhere to change it.  I have been up since 5:30 - on and off sleeping on the couch - the off time moaning and trying to get comfortable.  This is not uncommon for me and I believe is directly related to my diet and drinking - either that or I am just not built correctly.

So I am supposed to start this cleanse tomorrow which all indications are that I desperately need, but I really just do not understand what the hell I am supposed to eat.  I read over the instructions of foods that are off and foods that are on...and I am at a loss of how the next 30 days are not just salad veggies and nuts which I will not sustain.  I am pretty sure I will make something and then buy a bunch of packaged stuff and then completely fall of the wagon desperate for real food.  The ones I am interested in clearing out is alcohol, caffeine (easy really for me) and sugars but I cannot help but wonder what the hell my stomach hates so much.  Is it that I just over eat or drink to much or is it the cheese?  I would like to wake up some day after a good night sleep and just feel better.  I know my diet and choices are directly related to that not being the case.

So today I will do some grocery shopping, clean out the fridge and prepare for this cleanse.  I am ready for some sort of change and I can always adjust as I go.  Conceptually it just seems I will be eating veggies rice and beans but who knows maybe as I learn more I will become more comfortable.  I am obsessed with this whole concept because I NEED a change.  I am gaining weight and becoming more depressed about it.  I need to kick start myself into taking better care of myself and I cannot seem to do that by nature.

I wonder which comes first the crappy eating/drinking or the depression.  I hate the way I look and cannot stand the way I fit into my clothes.  I look like I am pregnant with all my gut fat and am starting to quickly have no clothes that I can wear that I do not feel like I am poured into.   I am particularly pissed because I was actually on a good track, started to lose some weight and then just walked away with full abandon.  I was exercising and eating right making good choices and then just said screw it and have put on more weight than I lost.  I am struggling emotionally too and I can't help which one drives the other to further dispair.

What frustrates me as well is that there are times I totally psych myself up and I build a plan and I think I am really excited about it.  I have everything I am going to do and how I am going to do it all worked out and I think I am totally on board.  The problem seems to be getting it out of my head and into the real world.  It just disappears, fizzles and I almost actually "forget" about it.  My mind is littered with great plans and motivation and yet my life is full of unrealized goals and disappointment.  I can not decide if the things I decide to do are just not real enough and I have learned to trick my mind into believing that I want to do it.  Or if I am so afraid and overwhelmed with my real world that I can not take on another thing.  Which I think is ridiculous really because if I were in trouble or suffering or HAD to change - I would.  The choice of it all is what kills me.

This is attempt 8453 (or something like that) to get myself where I want to be - who I want to be - and how I want to feel about myself.  It would be nice to one day look in the mirror and not grimace at the sight and thought of myself.

Monday...Monday

Its 6:25 am and I have been on a call for 1.5 hours.  UGH.  I have been working my presentation until 1:30 last night and up at 5, I bet I crash HARD today.   I want to do a good job on my presentation but I have no idea if it is interesting at all.  Maybe it is boring and redundant and they will all shrug and wish they had gone to a different presentation.  If I really cared I would have put more effort into it, although really I do not have that much else I could say - given the topic.

I am starting to recover from the marathon, but I am still exhausted and never more homesick than I am right  now.  I am tired of traveling.  I am tired of my guy traveling.  I want to be home.  I want resume a normal like where I come home and wake up and feel like a human being rather than all this traveling.

I also decided to hold the cleanse until next Monday.  I was having a hard time imagining how I could get my hands on good gluten-free veggie food at a conference.  I would have to start cooking in my room which is just a little too weird from me.  I haven't lost interest in doing it - just realized I would fail quickly and just wanted to make sure I didn't just set myself to bag out.  I will shop and plan this weekend and start on Monday of next week.  Also since I was feeling pretty beat up this weekend - it does make sense to try the cleanse and give myself a break.  Figure out that logic!  :)

Did I say that I have one goal this week that I want to really hit?  I want to go running - 3 miles - before I leave Vegas.  This is a layered goal - let me explain.  For me to go running requires me to 1) make the commitment to myself  2) overcoming the fear of stepping out of my comfort zone (I hate leaving hotel rooms and going out when I am away on travel) 3)  actually going running.  I need to face the music and try to move my body again.  I am thinking about really committing to a program to run another marathon so I can actually be proud of myself for running a marathon.  The first step - is the first steps running :) although with a whopping 4 hours of sleep last night - I am not off to a fabulous start to being able to run.

do it again...and again...and again.

My dog was acting off last night, this morning the cats have lost their mind.  Is it a full moon or something?  While we were gone, the cat gate broke to their room and the boys in their infinite wisdom did not know what to do so they just kept putting the broken gate back up - which would in turn fall over when the cats jumped over it.    This has emotionally scar the cats (God help me) so that now they are afraid to go into the room that has their litter box - which has led to them hiding poop in the house.  AWESOME.

I had a work around immediately - duct tape to hold the gate in place and I tried feeding them food and forcing them into the room to show the gate was solid.  This morning it proved to not have been successful.  After I cleaned up,  I switched gates (as I have two) thinking maybe the new gate would be more welcomed.  I guess I will have to see.  I asked my boys, why they thought the cats were afraid and their response was because the gate fell down like 12 times.  As I explained the duct tape approach, I was told - sorry I am not that inventive.  

This kind of scares me about the thought process that goes on.   Gate falls over, pick it up.  It is broken - it will definitely fall over again - oh well - put it back - TWELVE TIMES.    So not only was there no thought in how to solve the problem - there was irritation that I was irked they didn't try something - anything fix it.

I see this in more than just my boys.  I feel like it is my superpower or something - the ability to find workarounds and solutions in short order.   I am amazed at how many people become frozen in the face of an issue rather than just looking at basic mechanisms to get through the problem.

Of coarse, the dog this morning was fighting me to eat the poop and then I found him in the fireplace trying to eat the burnt embers from last night.  No wonder last night he seemed out of it, god knows what he ate.  I have no solution off the top of my head to prevent my dog from being a goat - other than locking him up.  Today is friday right?

decide if the future matters

Transition is a battle. No question about it. You have to decide if the future matters. Because what you do right now, every day --- meals and exercise (or lack there of) will determine your future. -- Tony Horton