Reading a page from my childhood journal or an entry the last year of this blog and I am haunted by the ghost of unrealized intention. I am struck by the same themes over and over again without any new insight and progress. As my life has evolved I find myself obsessed with the same base desires: eating better, losing weight, exercise, creativity; freedom from the me I do not want to be. Over the last year I have been looking at the gap between feeling and doing and I realize that I have not delved deeper to understand what is the core fear and part of me that both wants these changes and yet cannot commit to them. There must be something below the surface of my mind - my self - that is heavily vested in keeping me in this hamster wheel of suffering of wanting and failing. Is there a part of me struggling for its life - fearing annihilation - if I move beyond the me that fails that struggles that desires to break free? Is there a part of me that has no desire to be anything other than what I am? Why of all the things in this world to want and desire have these simple things been the focus of my emotional distress?
What does that freedom from this vicious circle look like? Can I imagine a me that is not beating herself up about eating right, or cringing at every picture because I am so overweight after all these years of the same brutality? What about a me that has enough space that a creativity creeps into my world allowing me to share with the world more of me? What about a me that is free from the shame and disgust in my inability to move forward? Can I be kind to myself and still not abuse myself? Well this is the journey that I am embarking on.. to realize that the me right now is all I have and the decision the moments in this day - not the last or not the future but this day is all that I am.
Time to learn how to fall in love with myself.
