It has been so long I am a little intimidated to post. I dread starting up the same usual discussion and yet I am aware that I have grown very little over the last few months. I can do a recap of myself since May - it is not pretty but it is real. I started having terrible stomach aches and sour stomachs in May, not just upset but doubled over, nausea, and gas. It left me truly uncomfortable and fairly immobilized. If I had changed my diet and limited my alcohol, perhaps I would have felt some relief and maybe not have gone through the last few months or maybe it was just the path I was going no matter what at that point. In addition to the pain, I had been exercising every day and was beginning to get seriously burnt out on always feeling inadequate and not good enough. The more we did and the harder we pushed the more discouraged I felt.
From the time the first hospital emergency room event where I was told I had a gallstone until the surgery where they removed my gallbladder, I felt horrible pretty much every moment of every day. It was a very high dose of pain like a sword stuck through my chest and I tried to medicate by no movement, alcohol and comfort food. I managed to gain 8 pounds and lose all sense of athletic fitness. My body is one of those bodies that the minute you stop working out - you are back to square one starting over with every step being difficult and slow.
It is discouraging to start fresh every time but I guess I just have to acknowledge that this is how my body reacts when I stop and have the courage to have day 1 over and over again as things happen in my life. I think the other thing I am starting to wonder is do I really have it in me to be a real athlete. The schedule is really hard on me and wipes me out completely. I have a pretty stressful job and I guess I just have a body that is not designed to be one of these people that exercise two times a day and do miles and miles of exercise. Is it me bagging out and giving up or is there a chance that my body is really does not adapt to the hard core routines?
There was a point this Spring where I did feel good and then slowly I just felt more tired and discouraged as I did not really improve. I cannot help but wonder how much is it diet, mental or just my physical constitution? As I start over again I dread the full calendar of exercise and am struggling to feel motivated. I do believe the exercise helps my weight, my stress and ultimately gives me more energy but I have not found the right place for me. I know I have two big issues that impact my success. My diet is pure shit. I go from eating nothing to eating and drinking everything. I have no sense of food as fuel and I continue to think and not change my diet. The second is the constant berating of myself that I am not good enough and how awful I am. It wears on a person. I do not want this to be day 1 of another cycle like that and yet if I do not do something different. It will be. I am just not sure how to do it differently this time.
