Where have I been? I am not even sure myself. I haven't been writing, reading, cooking, exploring, laughing or any of the things that I know of myself. Instead I have been sick, in pain, struggling, stressed, lost, and defeated for the last month or so - maybe longer. I have finally caught wind of one of my most destructive cycles that I continue to fight for my whole life but has created mass destruction to my very being. I have been goal driven my whole life as a way to get beyond my fear, beyond my limitations to be successful and drive toward a better me. I have always have goals that have taken me to my limits and beyond and have thought that is what makes me who I am.
However the slippery slope and trap I set for myself is that I never celebrate my successes. It is more than that though as it is not only that I do not celebrate them, but I often do not even acknowledge them. I feel good for an instant after a victory and then immediately upgrade my goals and get down on myself about thinking about being excited about the minimal success I just accomplished. I berate myself for not being better and why that was a poor goal to start. It creates an environment where I have to work harder and harder until I literally break down and cannot take it any more. There is no relief, no safety and just more failure even in the face of success. Eventually I break and run, hide and disappear from everyone and everything and berate myself for my failure. I stay locked away only to get tired of my state and start all over again thinking THIS time I will break free and be successful.
The lack of ability to celebrate myself and my victories degrades my entire life enjoyment. The inability to stop pushing, the need to continue to work harder is down right soul exhausting. I never achieve a base of health, fitness, eating habits, meditation practice because everything I do is just not good enough, not enough for me and worse I think the whole world looks at me as a failure and a loser. I assume they realize that I am incompetent and struggle to understand why I do not improve. Because my criteria for success is always changing and moving I never value to progress I make or the challenges I have overcome. I always feel three steps behind everyone else, embarrassed and humiliated that I am so inept.
I miss enjoying things and laughing at life and hell even myself. I hate how I feel like I am on a death march just waiting for it to all be over with no real hope of feeling like I was ever a success. I have done so much in my life to be proud of yet at the end of most days I am in tears for the fact that I feel like such a failure at every turn. Craziest part - this is all me as no one in my life now feeds this or supports this self-destruction. In fact, I am surrounded by nothing but love and support for who I am and what I do, but I cannot accept it or adopt it. I could blame my childhood and the fact my parents did not love me but lets be real, I am too old to not have stopped this by now. Somewhere winner, loser, trying quitting, success, failure, and self-esteem all got mislabeled and misunderstood in my brain. Time to fucking rewire people.
The lack of ability to celebrate myself and my victories degrades my entire life enjoyment. The inability to stop pushing, the need to continue to work harder is down right soul exhausting. I never achieve a base of health, fitness, eating habits, meditation practice because everything I do is just not good enough, not enough for me and worse I think the whole world looks at me as a failure and a loser. I assume they realize that I am incompetent and struggle to understand why I do not improve. Because my criteria for success is always changing and moving I never value to progress I make or the challenges I have overcome. I always feel three steps behind everyone else, embarrassed and humiliated that I am so inept.
